electric blogasms

2002-09-01T16:15:00.000-07:00

This blog is dead.

Visit my new blog!

Paulality

2002-07-10T11:48:00.000-07:00

Blind Psychic Gropes Buttocks to See Future

2002-07-09T15:04:00.000-07:00

For all those who have an interest in anatomy... go visit The Visible Human Project

2002-06-03T15:49:00.000-07:00

I liked the concept.. but in the end I just ended up picking the one that I thought described me best. Too bad Velouria had such a weird personality trait associated with it.

In Heaven.

You're mysterious, picky, and a bit aloof. Some people say you have a very cheery personality, but it's hard to say because you mask your emotions behind dark pretenses. You enjoy watching obscure movies and going to plays, but by the end of the day you're usually too wound-up by the ironies of your life to relax.

Which Pixies song are you?

2002-06-03T15:06:00.000-07:00

Today on Gay.com , there was an article on the joys of HPV and anal cancer. Some frigthening statistics were quoted... such as one doctor speculating that as many as TWO THIRDS of gay men are infected with the disease. Boy nothing sounds more exciting than getting my first Pap smear. Jesus, what a great time to be young and single, hunh?

Fuck.

2002-06-01T18:24:00.000-07:00

Why is it that in chinese buffet restaurants the menus usually read, "Porks with rice" or "Porks with vegetable?" Well in that same vein.. go visit engrish.com

2002-05-29T17:36:00.000-07:00

This feeling of breaking out of constriction is all around us if we look around and pay attention. The flowers have already taken their cue and broken out of the ground, reaching up for the sun. Trees are already flush with leaves. Pine cones are strewn about the sidewalk outside my apartment, looking to seed the world,

Lauren feels it… she’s fed up with her family bonds.
Aaron feels it… the time for newness and rebirth
Lori feels it… she broke up with her boyfriend of over a year. Irreconcilable differences were to blame.
Chad and I split ways, and in school I broke my commitment to 100% attendance. At class all last week anger and frustration and stress were the major emotions as people have grown tired of the grind of school, homework, and tests.

We want to be outside experiencing the world. Free to be ourselves.

2002-05-29T17:10:00.000-07:00

Spring:

In the 5 Element Theory in Chinese Philosophy, Spring is associated with the element, Wood, breaking out in new directions and with anger.

New growth, spring-cleaning, coming out of hibernation, readjusting life’s priorities…

As spring hits its peak and the weather heats up, so are tempers and the need to clean out the dirt and cobwebs of outer and inner space.

That being said, Chad and I tentatively ended our dating relationship just over a month after our 4-year anniversary. I needed space to think, he needed to space to be himself. As Chad said, “we’ve decided to start moving apart instead of moving together.” Months of petty arguing, silly disputes, and longer and longer amounts of time away from each other finally came to a head.

So for right now, we’re broken up and taking time to evaluate what it is we want in a relationship and maybe, in our relationship.

So how do I feel about this?

I’m indifferent, sad, and a bit relieved; in somewhat of a limbo. It’s only been two days away from a four-year relationship, so I’m not forcing myself to come to any decisions or summations before I am ready. I can see that we have always been better as friends than as lovers. We just want different things in an intimate relationship. I am sad and mournful for our failed experiment in long-term relationship. Part of me really wants a marriage, and I also rebel and reject what I sometimes see as being tied down.

This is not an ending; really, it is a beginning of new experiences and directions. For every door that is closed, another one is open.

To be continued…

2002-05-02T14:19:00.000-07:00

"Today I wanted to go up to every person I saw, grab them by the shoulders, and say, 'Do you know that God is head-over-heels in love with you right now?..."

-paraphrased from the Salt Lake City Weekly horoscope page.

2002-04-18T01:47:00.000-07:00

Wednesday was Chad and I's four year anniversary of meeting!! It was four years ago yesterday that I saw him dancing at a "rave" that the Purdue University Beat Society held in a church on campus. I told a friend of mine at the party that I thought he was cute and the next thing I know, my friend was pointing me out to him. We talked, we discussed meeting at a another party later... maybe... maybe not. The friend I went to the rave with dropped me off at home because we were both tired. I ended up walking to the party that Chad was supposedly at and then couldn't find the house. Turns out Chad went looking for me at the same party and then went home after discovering that I never turned up.

Didn't see much of Chad for the next month or so... but heard that he was the president of the Purdue Leftist Student Network (my boyfriend the Communist) and that the LSN was going to Washington DC to march with the Socialist Workers Party and demonstrate their support. Thirty-five dollar bus ride and 15 hours of uninteruppted time sitting next to the boy I had a crush on? There was no way that i wasn't going. (plus there was the added bonus of getting a civics lesson... or something like that.)

The march was weird, the bus ride was weirder... (testimonials abounded..."I joined the Communist Party because, 'like we should all live in teepees, 'cause that's, like, better'" Lots of memories of Chad, and other assorted good friends waving red flags and shouting "The People United! Will Never Be Divided!" in Spanish, came out of that trip.

Then summer came, Chad dissapeared for it's entire duration (turns out he was holed up with his parents in Elkhart, IN) when he came back to school in the fall. I had turned 21 and we decided to do penny beer night... each night for about 3 months. God bless college drunkenness. We've been together, almost, constantly since then... and our relationship seems to do nothing but getter better and more honest and real with each passing day.

That in mind we had the funniest (in an Alanis-Morrissette-"Ironic" sort of way) anniversary we've ever had yesterday. I took my little Chad-o-line out to dinner today at a very nice local vegeatarian restaurant. (vegetarian... except they serve fish... what is it that everyone, even the vegetarians, have against fish?) I double checked my account balance over the phone before we went to make sure that i had enough money. (dunh dunh dunh... foreshadowing) This restaurant has a very nice bookstore inside it and I had Chad order for me while I went to the "bathroom" and went next door and bought him a book he's been wanting for a while. My card went through in the bookstore! I had my (somewhat explicit but not really) book gift wrapped and then I went and had dinner.

Dinner was delicious, Chad loved his gift, we ordered coffee, we ordered dessert. The bill came, I paid with my debit card. It came back declined. Twice. Fuck. A couple of things I hadn't accounted for had gone through on my account while we were having dinner. I ended up having to take the (somewhat explicit gay themed) book back to the store and convince the owner (who normally doesn't do returns) why I needed to return this (somewhat explicit gay themed) book...So that I could pay him for dinner. I was so embarassed. Luckily... Everyone involved was very gracious and kind and accomodating. I'll be buying Chad his book next paycheck.

Sheesh. Love is strange. (My accounting practices are stranger.)

2002-04-18T01:22:00.000-07:00

This week has been a strange one. The restaurant I work at has been without power since Monday, that being the day that the Utah skies decided to whip up a killer dust storm with 30-40 mile an hour winds making the sky green and really ominous looking. If I were back home in Indiana, green skies would be an indicator that the tornado sirens were about to go off. No such luck. So, each day I have been going to work, coming upon a dark and very closed place of business and then turning around and heading home. Actually today, the boss man hooked up his coffee maker he brought in from home and powered it via a very long extendion cord to the neighbors outdoor outlet. Seemingly, our store and the laundrymat next door are the only places without power in the entire neighborhood. So we brewed coffee and gave away croissants by candlelight today (it's very dark at 6:30 in the morning when the skies are overcast.) Typical idiotic customer question today: "so you can't fix me any food then?" (fuck no we can't! and do you really want food that hasn't been refrigerated since the beginning of the week?) Fucking people, i swear.

2002-04-18T01:11:00.000-07:00

Geez if I waited another eight days... it would be a whole month since my last entry. I suppose life away from the computer is getting the upper hand. I'm working 20-30 hours a week, giving (free) massages a couple of hours each week and then add in (minor things like) going to school and clinic... not to mention trying to have some semblance of a personal life... and there you go.. a recipe for absoulutely no time on the computer. It's actually been quite refreshing. The weather (up until this week) has been great so I've been spending a lot of time outdoors walking to work, the gym, and school. Love it!

2002-03-29T13:43:00.000-08:00

here's a nifty little IQ test...find out what's wrong with this picture...

2002-03-26T01:03:00.000-08:00

curiouser and curiouser

JC Penny Catalog Fall/Winter 1980

Celery + Gravity = Art

2002-03-23T23:34:00.000-08:00

Went and saw The Others with "the Chad" and loved it. Scared the muthafunking carp out of me. (i know... that last line sounded fishy.) I have a question. Any Catholics out there with ghost stories? The main characters of the movie were catholic and saw ghosts... which leads me to a theorem of sorts... that catholics are a bit more inclined than the rest of us to see/hear/feel/ ghosts. I have an ex whose latino and catholic (as many latinos are) and his entire family saw ghosts... seemed like lots of his friends as well. Anyone want to take part in my study? Anyone have any particularly good ghost stories? Go ahead and e-mail them!

2002-03-20T03:14:00.000-08:00

Andrew Sullivan, Heroic Homosex, and my own private fight club... these three axons come together to form a synapse of sorts.... now what does it all mean?

First, my friends, Justin and Michael, and I have been fantasizing about having our own pared down version of a fight club. Really we just want to do some boxing and take some hits. In a grassy lot covered with ice from last weekends snow, behind the retirement center next to Justin's apartment, we had our first trial run tonight. I was taken down twice, took a good one to the nose and then had a couple of really sweet takedowns on both of them. My favorite of the evening is when Michael came at me with a punch, I saw his legs were vulnerable and then swept them right out from under him.

Three things I've learned:

a) this will be better with gloves, headgear, mouthguard, and a cup.
b) I really need to quit smoking
c) I can be scrappy when I want to be.

Second. Choire posted a link to HeroicHomosex the other nite. I went to it and found not only a website dedicated to frottage enthusiasts but a whole critique of the, as the site describes it, "Buttfuck Dictatorship," an example:

"This growing movement of men into frot who disown anal sex is not simply a matter of sexual taste. It goes farther than that, for it's a rejection of the overly and unhealthily feminized self-image of gay men that has dominated our lives for generations. As such it is, I believe, like other masculinist impulses among the gay masses, a manifestation of the collective unconscious correcting a psychic phenomenon that has lingered too long in one direction...

...Why, we ask for example, is it better to dominate (or be dominated by) your partner? Doesn't make sense for guys into frot. What we value is the intense and complete equality we feel with our buds and lovers, the face to face, heart to heart, cock to cock contact, in which neither partner is controlling the other. What we seek, as I've said often in my own writing, is the union (or contest) of two equally strong and noble beings, not a master and slave. If that's romantic, so be it. For many of us, frot is the ultimate expression of romance. "

Intriguing. While I myself don't see why we need to layer MORE guilt on people for the sexual practices they prefer, I find the sexual equality argument rather beautiful and romantic. Then there is this whole side of the site dedicated to the interplay of wrestling and erotic sport. (maybe this is where the synapses meet?) Truly hot.

I know Andrew Sullivan fits in here somewhere. I'll figure it out. Until then, he has a truly great article on coping and surviving being HIV+
Check it out.

2002-03-19T10:14:00.000-08:00

On Touch (part II)

from Healthy Pleasures, by Robert Ornstein, Ph.D. and David Sobel, M.D:

"Touch metaphors help us grip reality. We speak of being, 'in touch' or, 'out of touch.' Some people are 'touchy' or 'rub us the wrong way,' while nuturing is 'a healing touch.' We extol special attention as a 'personal touch' and save 'untouchable' for the lowest rung of society. Most importantly, our language links touch and emotions. Happiness and joy, sadness and melancholy are emotions yet we cal them 'feelings' to ephasize the almost physical and palpable quality of emotions. We may be 'touched by kindness,' or 'get in touch with our feelings.' We may be 'thin-skinned' or 'thick-skinned,' referring to our emotional sensitivity. While touch may be well embedded in language and thought, it has become somewhat disembodied in our daily life. We touch so little that we're out of it."

......

from UCMT's Infant Massage Handbook:

In the 1920's, a majority of the institutionalized infants under the age of two died. The word marasmus was used to describe this phenomenon. Marasmus is defined as "wasting away", "shriveling", or "shrinking." Rocking and cuddling did more to prevent marasmus than any other physical care remedy.

2002-03-18T01:14:00.000-08:00

On Touch

both of these quotes were taken from my UCMT Infant Massage book. I thought I would share...

from, Touch Starvation in America, by Denny Johnson:

“It is said that one in eight Americans will have a mental breakdown requiring hospitalization within his or her lifetime. It is also estimated that 25% of all families produce incestuous relationships and that 50% of all children will, at some time, be abused. Our hospitals are full, our prisons are overflowing. Technology and money cannot solve the problem because they are not treating the cause. The answer lies buried in our hearts and hidden behind a wall of fear: millions of people are suffering mentally and physically because they cannot give and receive touch."

from, Touching, The Human Significance of the Skin, by Ashley Montagu:

"Tactile sensations become perceptions according to the meanings with which they have been invested by experience. Inadequate tactile experience will result in a lack of such associations and a comsequent inability to relate to others in many fundamental human ways. When affection and involvement are communicated through touch, it is those meanings, as well as the security-giving satisfactions, with which touch will become assosciated. Hence, the human significance of touching."

and a link to the International Association of Infant Massage (I gave the U.K. link because their site seemed more informative than the US site. Go figure.)

2002-03-10T21:30:00.000-08:00

(sung to Rod Stewart's "Infatuation")
Oh no not again
I've so much work
I don't understand
Procrastination
Procrastination
Procrastination
Procrastination

Ugh. I have a resume and a "personal commercial" and a HUGE Anatomy Final and Shiatsu final ALL this week. There is a huge job fair at my school this week AND one of my best friends growing up is here in Salt Lake City skiing with his stepdad all this week. If only I hadn't waited until the last minute to do all of this... sigh.

2002-03-09T23:49:00.000-08:00

the best website... ever.. no words can describe...

2002-03-08T22:12:00.000-08:00

More than you ever needed to know about the sex lives of gay penguins

2002-03-08T18:33:00.000-08:00

Are you pretty? I'm sorry, you're just deformed. However, if you want, you can still be a rockstar; here's how.

2002-03-07T02:23:00.000-08:00

Have you seen Waking Life? You should.

Amelie should get an Oscar.

Why Johnny Joined the Taliban... Makes my heart hurt. (sniff)

Why you shouldn't masturbate. Thank god I don't! (Thanks, Choire)

A dissection of love.

2002-03-06T22:05:00.000-08:00

"it's not... meant to be a strife... it's not meant to be a struggle uphill"

Love the Bjork, worship the Bjork... "Undo" is such a perfect song, it really works well with my massages. :) (if you haven't picked up Vespertine yet, I highly recommend it.)

Faced with a lot of possibilities right now. My ideal would be to move to San Francisco and have a really successful private massage practice, especially since, with my schooling, I have ten times the required amount of hours of training to get licensed!! (In San Francisco, that is.) But San Francisco is SOO expenisive... Philo, Aaron, I just don't know how you boys do it!!

Too many choices, too many, "what if's?" What kind of practice do i want? I'll have to work for someone else initially to build up a client base, but do I want to work in a Resort or a Day Spa, or with a chiropractor? If I decide SF is the place for me... I'll need roommate's, I've got one (Chad) but he alone is not going to cut it. Do we move in with strangers or will the few kids in my class who also are eyeing SF wanna get a place? It's all a little overwhelming.

(inhale) One day at a time (exhale) one day at a time...

2002-03-06T12:46:00.000-08:00

"Gay Ass Operation", "Boy Band Blast O Rama" and "Bulimic Blowdown at Noon?" Why it's Zooass.com! More inappropriate fun than anyone should have!

2002-03-05T12:18:00.000-08:00

and I'm back yall and Im back yall

I let my account with Earthlink expire so I was without an ISP for a while. It's for the best, I didn't like them anyway. So now I have a new ISP (Xmission) and 50MGs of space for a personal web page. I also have all kinds of new toys to work on my website. Now if that damn Front Page for Dummies wasn't written for just dummies instead of just plain idiots like myself... we could get crackin!

2002-02-24T05:37:00.000-08:00

I was standing outside my sister's apartment tonight smoking when a couple of really funky drunk dudes, smellin of alcohol, with tattoos and long scrabby hair said, "DUDE! We just were shot at by the police with rubber bullets downtown! There were fuckin' riots downtown!" I looked at Chad and said, "Holy Shit!" I doubted these guys sincerity at first, even though one of them looked like he'd been shot in the forehead with a rubber bullet (had a big ass welt) but, to my dismay, it was confirmed when I got home and read this. What the fuck? A bunch of unruly teenagers throwing beer bottles at the police and chanting "USA, USA!" while they did it? Fucking LAME. The Mormons will certainly never let beer be consumed in public again, that's for sure. What the fuck was Budweiser doing serving beer in glass bottles anyway? A fuckin mess waiting to happen.

2002-02-19T22:26:00.000-08:00

Shiatsu

Had our first Shiatsu class tonight. Our instructor demonstrated a full session so everyone could get an idea as to what one looked like. It was really beautiful to watch. As many of you may already know, Shiatsu is a Japanese form for energy work based on Chinese acupressure. Shiatsu, which literally means, "finger pressure" is almost like a dance between the therapist and the client. Shiatsu is generally performed on someone while they are still fully clothed and it is usually done on a mat on the floor. Good stuff! good stuff!

2002-02-17T21:52:00.000-08:00

Alternate Dimensions (from my journal)

Writing is a pain in the ass... especially when your hand is cramping... it would be so much easier to have a direct link to a computer screen. but there is an advantage to the time delay between my brain and the paper... involves a little more filtration... like watching a news ticker and writing down the pertinent ideas and images... which makes me think that if someone else was listening to my thoughts, even a me in a parallel dimension would walk away with a completely different idea of what was important even if we were sharing the same brain... right now 10,000 Paul's are writing down completely different journal entries based upon the same thoughts.

Forcing myself to write while my coffee gets cold and there is a chocolate chip cookie sitting right in front of me! ack! I wonder what my alternate Paul's would have to drink in their P.W.s Maybe one is eating a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie while drinking tea... and another one is sitting in a pub, eating the house fries while drinking a nice home brew. What fun! One is typing all of this into his (her?) Mac notebook while another one is writing in an old journal he found in a junk sale! What else... one has his girlfriend sitting across from him while another is sitting alone with a big happy dog at his feet... tee hee... one is going to an intensive photography school while another is sitting down to work out their programming homework.

2002-02-16T04:46:00.000-08:00

Is a blog in new clothing the same old blog or does it change it's nature?... Changed the template on the blog, learning a little more HTML in the process; It's 5:30 in the morning now, so hopefully it was worth it... :) Tell me what you think!

Also go below and check out my sis' perspective on the Olympics.

2002-02-15T22:56:00.000-08:00

Ahh the Olympics!

as seen by Lori (my sister)

It's that time again, where the world gathers around their soul sucking television sets and watches the best of the best compete in athletic competitions. Lucky for me this year I get to see it close up and personal. The Olympics for those of you that don't know are taking place in my city. Salt Lake City is the proud host of the 19th Winter Olympics, yeah. For months now we have been hearing over and over again about the Olympic Bid Scandal, and about how the entire Salt Lake Valley (which is huge) will be full of tourists from other countries. Businesses will be booming and SLC will be submerged in culture. Ahhh how the politicians can paint a pretty picture. First off some business are booming, yes; but for the most part they are either staying even or going broke. In their haste to make the visitors comfortable here they forgot to make the locals comfortable. In fact Mitt Romney and Mike Levitt scared all the locals away. bravo boys.
As for the culture, well I think that even after the Olympics are gone that SLC will remain white, male, and mormon. With of course undercurrents of female, hispanic, and native american people.
enough with the bitter.

Things I've Done During the Olympics

1: Went to the dress rehearsal of the Opening Ceremonies (same as the real thing only free instead of $871)
2: Watched the 1st Medals Ceremony
3: Dave Matthew's Band Concert
4: Macy Gray Concert
5: Barenaked Ladies Concert
6: Watched the Budweiser Clydesdales (sp?) ride past the window of my salon, everyday
7: Entertained drunken Englishmen that over ran my salon
8: Entertained drunken Canadians that over ran my salon (hot, and good tippers!)
9: Saw the Olympic flame run past my apartment
10: Collected pins
11: Fought traffic
12: Been hit on by, complemented by, asked out by, many foreigners
13: Done a few other things I can't remember right now (brain fart)

of all of these things, guess how many I have a picture of or some kind of memorabilia besides ticket stubs.
Zip, Zilch, Zero, Nada!
yep, I'm the idiot.

I really wish the Olympics would stay here year round.
The salon I work at has been kicking ass, business is booming, and everyday I get to meet people from all over the world that are busy having a great time. Not to mention the novelty of being able to walk down main street with a beer in your hand wihtout any worries of getting in trouble with the cops, pretty cool. Hell you can even walk on the temple grounds with a beer and not get too much shit for it.

AT&T lets you make long distance phone calls for free, Coke, Samsung, Hallmark, Chevy, and countless others woo you with free shit and entertainment all day long. Everyday the Monster.com mascot walks by my business giving out free shit. People are protesting, people are shoving pamphlets at you about causes you had no idea existed left and right. Every nation has a restraunt here where you can try the food and experience the culture of that country. Main Street is a party everyday, and I swear they brought in scalpers straight from the streets of chicago.

If you ignore the politics and drama of the 2002 Olympics, they kickass. I am definately glad I stayed, thought at one million dollars to keep the flame lit, I don't know how long I'll be here after (those gas bills are gonna be a bitch!)

2002-02-15T01:06:00.000-08:00

how many men out there would get pregnant if it was a possibility?

2002-02-15T01:00:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day

Both eleated, tickled, humbled, and scared by the events of this v-day.

Elated/Ticked: Tonight was the "Reproductive Systems" lecture in Anatomy... learned all about peenie's and gynie's... learned that, yes, it is a technical possibility that a man can carry a baby. (Albeit an extremely dangerous, life threatening one. ) All a fertilized cell needs is a blood vessel to latch onto. This is how ectopic pregnancies occur (outside of the uterus.) In fact, last year a woman in Ogden, Utah, carried a baby to full term in this manner. I almost fell out of my seat when I came across this site: www.malepregnancy.com too bad it's an elaborate hoax. Maybe in 50 years??

Humbled/Scared: A member of our class is in an abusive relationship that they feel that they can't get out of. Police may be called, teachers are reaching into their pockets to pay for counseling. The student may drop out of school, which they have specifically said is their only support network. Props to Lauren for posting tips on how to assess wether or not you are in an abusive relationship.
A friend of a student dissapeared tonight, they were supposed to go on vacation this weekend directly after class with the student and were wating for the student at the school. After class the friend had dissapeared. No one had seen them in several hours and the friend had not communicated to anyone where they went or had transportation to get anywhere. The student was very worried. The friend had been very excited about going on vacation and had put all their luggage for the trip in the students car. I hope for everything that it was the result of a miscommunication. but what if?

phew. prayers and thoughts going out to both of these people.

What a strange Valentine's Day.

2002-02-13T01:53:00.000-08:00

question brought up over coffee (actually chamomile tea) tonight: If you could get into a fight with anyone in history... who would it be?

One answer came immediately to my mind, I suppose I'm not one for history...

2002-02-13T01:47:00.000-08:00

Olympic Blues

So I got laid off from my temporary Olympic job this morning... seems to be the state of affairs with the downtown businesses. Where people were expecting mad crazy lines and mad crazy profits... they get slower business than before the Olympics... this, of course, is my own observation and I have no idea how Park City, UT is holding up... from a USA Today blurb I saw this morning, they could be getting all the business there. Oh well, like I've said before... there is going to be such a post olympic-partum depression when all of this is over. A collective "that's it?" All kinds of money spent on security and tourism and not a lot of business for the local guys. Of course NBC is raking in mad cash but how is that helping SLC?

note to self: stop describing things as "mad."

2002-02-11T23:41:00.000-08:00

Mind Assault

The rule of the game is to get the most obnoxious song, or even the most mundane song, it doesn't matter, stuck in a friend's head. All that matters is that it gets ingrained on that ever repeating half-conscious loop that is the white noise of our everyday thoughts. A good example is "Tom's Diner" by Suzanne Vega (the DNA remix.) My friends and I play Mind Assault with fervent regularity. Today, I was mind assaulted by my own radio. I woke up to my alarm clock radio blaring Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" and I have not been able to get it out of my head, ALL DAY. Dude. This is seriously worse than the time I had the hiccups for three days. "don't stop believin', hold on to that feelin'..."

2002-02-11T23:22:00.000-08:00

Olympic Updates

So the Olympics, or the Molympics as some news magazines have dubed them, officially started last Friday night with the Opening Ceremonies... Since we can see Rice-Eccles Stadium from my rooftop, where the Opening Ceremonies were held, Chad and I stood up there in 15 degree weather drinking beer and smoking cigarettes hoping to see some fireworks. The angle was all screwy, so we really didn't get to see the torch being lit, but we did see some of the fireworks before we retreated from the cold and back into my hobbit hole-esque basement apartment.
While I haven't been able to see any events for lack of funds and transportation, I have been working downtown in the middle of everything and have had some interesting moments:

Saturday I was walking home from work and got caught up in a Korean drum recital featuring girls in kimono type outfits drumming gracefully and boys with caps on their heads that had streamers coming off the top... the boys would do these intricate dances with the streamers... all very beautiful and graceful.
Meanwhile, a Scottish Fife and Drum core comes marching up behind me, bagpipes blaring and tons of sculpted scottish calves being flashed under intricate kilts. yum! (honestly, I think it's the socks that do it for me, or maybe the idea that there isn't any undergarments under those garments)
Of course all of this great cultural melting pot occurance was taking place in lily white Mo-mo land in direct view of the LDS Temple, which made it all the more poignant.

Today, I was walking home from work again and saw a marching band, a 6 foot Durex condom walking down the street and posing with people in pictures, about two dozen men from various countries of various ethnicities and with various accents scalping tickets for various Oly' events, an "Abortion stops a beating heart" truck with giant photos of aborted fetuses on the side (at which the 10 people standing on the street corner with me all said, "gross!") as I moved past the LDS owned ZCMI church, I saw a group of super-right wing evangelical christians (think the "God Hates Fags" people) protesting the LDS church! Signs such as "The Mormon's Jesus is the Devil's Brother" and "The Book of Mormon says Blacks are Cursed!" etc, etc. Now there seems to be a theme somewhere in all these sightings, with possible exception of the marching band and the scalpers. But the Anti-abortionists, the safe-sex advocate condom mascot, and a bunch of evangelical christians? seems like they could all work together and accomplish alot. I don't know if I would like the result but still...

Until tomorrow!
-Paul

2002-01-30T22:49:00.000-08:00

Not here but somewhere...

Had our third Craniosacral Therapy class tonight. I looove this modality. For those of you who do not know what Craniosacral Therapy is, here's an explanation: (taken from our CST book)

Cranial Sacral Therapy is a gentle, hands-on approach to bodywork. It deals with with the bones of the head, spinal column, sacrum, and the underlying structures. The main objective of this work is to find restrictions and/or compression in these areas and use specifically designed techniques to release these areas.

-excerpt from Craniosacral Therapy C.G. Funk, for Utah College of Massage Therapy

This modality is incredibly relaxing and can be useful in relieving many symptoms such as:

- Chronic pain, especially in the neck and back
- Headaches (tension, migranes, cluster)
- TMJ dysfunction
- Emotional trauma
- Auditory problems
- Stress related dysfunction
- Arthritis
- learning/behaivior disorders in infants and children (such as ADD/ADHD)

Anyway, so that is a quick overview of CST and it's benefits. So far we have just worked with the bones of the skull, real subtle manipulation, not much more than the depth of a piece of paper; what I really want to talk about is the head space (pun intended) that it puts me in:

Where did I go?
Because time has passed and while I was here;
I could hear everything and was aware of my body,
I was also somewhere else.
Somewhere deep in my mind and body,
Not really asleep but not really awake.
Almost like astral projection,
Like falling into myself.

2002-01-29T22:31:00.000-08:00

Hmm... been real busy and having a bit of a crisis of faith as to why I'm doing this [blogging] in the first place. Blogging can be a great insight into another person's life, it can also be shallow and trite. Which I suppose could also be an insight into another person's life as well. I suppose I let an article I read on the web get to me too much over the weekend. All about how most people's blogs suck and are a waste of the hard drive space they take up. But after visiting Noah Grey's site, I feel a little better about blogging. He really has some beautiful self expression (thanks to Philo, over at E/W, for the link.)

there definately feels at times like I have a responsibility to continue with this blog so that other people can read it. While I appreciate the interest it also feels a bit cheap at times. Am I being a total exhibitionist? Is my original tag line more than a little true? (Not enough deep sh*t to be engaging, too much blather to bother...) I don't know, I suppose that I am here right now writing this down, so that counts for something now doesn't it?

Anyway. Till next entry.
-Paul

2002-01-25T14:44:00.000-08:00

Candid Camera

Thank god that my life isn't taped constantly... not that anyone could possibly be interested in one more "reality" show, but if my life were taped, someone would of put my morning on some blooper reel. Which then would be unfunnily narrated by Bob Saget, or worse, Suzanne Sommers!

Got to work this morning went through steps 1 through 3 of the routine... went to open the store, which I announce by putting an eight foot papier mache chef named, "Jean," outside our door. I picked "Jean" up and carried him outside, at which point the locked door closed behind me. yes. I had now just locked myself out of "my" restaurant in 20 degree weather, wearing only a sweater and dress pants... trying the doors and windows, I saw my coat sitting on a chair (keys inside a pocket of said coat.) I ended up having to walk to a gas station and borrowing a phone book and then calling my boss and telling him that I was locked out of the restaurant:

"Hi Kristian, it's me"
"Hello Pol, (he's french and has an accent) what is going on?"
"I'm locked out of the restaurant" Then explaining to him what had happened...
"Aww shit man you are kidding me yes?"
"No... what do you want me to do?"
"I want you to be inside selling croissants!"
"Well I can't exactly do that..."
"I know that, but you will have to wait until I get there! It's 45 minutes for me to drive there"
(Fuck!) "Ok...well, um, ok...."
>click<

Yes! Fun to be had by all! Standing outside in the cold, strung out on coffee and not enough sleep, having to pee and feeling like shit. I ended up being let in about an hour later by the woman who's business shares our front door with us. When Kristian finally got there he said, "How is my little village idiot?" I rolled my eyes. Luckily he had a good sense of humor about the entire situation and we had a laugh about it. But good lord! How embarassing to have to explain to customers who came up to the door WHY I was standing outside in the cold, without a coat, with the doors locked, and why they couldn't have their croissants and coffee.

Lord.

grrr.

2002-01-24T22:20:00.000-08:00

Shits and Giggles

Phew... schooooooool's out for... um... the weekend... and not a moment too soon. Nodding off during Anatomy tonight; we were learning all about the digestive system: the stomach, the small intestine, the colon, etc. Such exciting stuff, I could barely contain the urge to fall asleep and start drooling on my homework.

Fun Facts learned during Anatomy:
Did you know that you have very few nerve endings in your colon? Boys and girls into handballing beware!

Oh my god, did I really just post that? Ever searching for the lowest common denomenator!

But, since I'm hamming for my computer and trying to get your attention... Why don't you mosey on over to the The 2002 Bloggies site and cast your vote for your favorite Bloggity Blog Blog Blog? (vote for east/west cause their nice to me and are dahling little men)

2002-01-22T22:27:00.000-08:00

Peggy Lee died! She had the sexiest cool-cat voice. "Fever," "Black Coffee," "The Boy From Ipanema" you just don't get better or more hip than Peggy Lee, a swinging crooner who will be sorely missed!

2002-01-21T22:46:00.000-08:00

Just Lovely and Delicious

So after a moon and a half, my boyfriend has returned to me after a looong stint in Elkhart, IN visiting his Mom and Step-Dad and taking care of some business there. Nice things to hear upon his return: "So I told my mom, 'you know, Paul, he's my husband'"
She replies. "I know honey."

In other supportive news, my mother, the sweet woman that she is, told me of how she told off several of her co-workers the other day becasue of their use of some rather offensive homophobic terminology and demeanor. She is becoming quite the activist in her "old" age. Muchos thankos to mi Madre! (ahh spanglish!)

;)

2002-01-21T22:38:00.000-08:00

Props to Pops

Big thanks goes out to my dad who is, at this very moment, sending me MS Front Page to exacerbate my recently acquired web addiction. Dad, you rule!

2002-01-21T22:27:00.000-08:00

Intention and Intuition

Tonight in Massage IV, we gave "blind" massages. We had to give a forty minute massage completely blindfolded. The purpose of the exercise was to see how our intention can affect the outcome of our touch and how really listening and feeling with our hands and arms can give us clues into what our client needs most. It was simply incredible to let go of my eyesight and be completely focused on giving another person healing touch. I also seemed to give on of my better massages as a result of the exercise. This is something I will have to practice; to learn more fully how to listen to another person's body.

I am so glad I chose to follow my intention and come to this school.

2002-01-20T21:52:00.000-08:00

I was reading on someone's site that the average life of a human is only 30,000 days (84 years.) According to some Life Expectancy meter i stumbled across on the 'Net, I only get 79 years. Which means that I only have about 19,580 left to go. Of course this doesn't factor in the fact that I smoke and I'm a gay male. So at best, 19,580 is a long shot. How depressing.

2002-01-20T20:15:00.000-08:00

The Routine

Ahh, I love Sunday evenings. Screw Sunday day; that is for sleeping. But Sunday nights are for chill atmosphere, NPR, and getting my person ready for a new week. Ordering in for food and listening to This American Life on the radio. Doing some laundry and picking up around the house. If the boy were home, we would play Rummy 500 while listening to Satelite Sisters and Piano Jazz while talking about whatever comes up.

Speaking of Chad, he's probably on the Western edge of Colorado by now, will be home probably by the time I get up for work in the morning. It has been too long.

2002-01-20T00:41:00.000-08:00

For some reason, I seem to be "horribly toxic" and only "seem interesting" any thoughts?

Which drink are you?

2002-01-20T00:09:00.000-08:00

to your left you will see that I added a new link for you all to peruse. Furniture Porn! This site is so hysterical... well at least it is to me. Check out the letters page. It's the best

2002-01-19T23:53:00.000-08:00

Justify Your Life

So wow, I just sat through two of the longest hours of my entire life. Went with a couple of friends, (Justin, Lisa, Bekka) to see Bandits, starring Bruce Willis and Billy Bob Thorton. It was bad... bad, bad, bad. Not like groan-this-movie-is-so-bad-it's-good bad, but "mediocre I haven't reacted really to anything in this movie, oh my heck, I'm falling asleep, let's go home" bad.

Blah to write about what was wrong with it would be expending more energy than it took to make the movie. It would prolong it's "memory" in me and that's not something I aspire to do. blah.

So how do I get my two hours back? Lie to people. Tell them a profound lie about my Saturday night, "Oh yeah, went out to a really great restaurant and then went dancing with some friends, the dj was really grooving Saturday night let me tell you!" Then fiercely believe in the lie. Hold on to it at all costs and then eventually, the lie will become truth at least in my head.

Of course that would be expending even more energy into the time sucking black hole that was this movie. Nah... better to just let it "fade to black" and erase itself from my memory.

2002-01-19T16:51:00.000-08:00

My Boyfriend's Back in Town (sung to "The Boys are Back in Town")

YAY! Chad called me at 12:30 today from Chicago. He was in-between trains and wanted me to know that he is on his way home. Love him. He'll be home Monday morning early (according to Amtrak-which means sometime in the afternoon if their track record is of any indication.) At this point, I will eagerly plant "welcome home" kisses all over his beautiful smiling face.

2002-01-19T03:17:00.000-08:00

All About Me:

Name: Paul Allen ........
Birthdate: 06/30/1977

What does your name mean? PAUL (m) From the Roman family name Paulus, which meant "small" or "humble" (Latin). Which is funny because I was born weighing about 4 pounds, a "shoebox baby." I coudn't breath on my own so I spent the first several days of my life in the ICU in an incubator. Also, I have a rather self-effacing sense of humor.

On that day in History: 1986 - The U.S. Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that states could outlaw homosexual acts (such as interior decorating and shopping) between consenting adults.

Birthdays with whom I share:
1809: Edgar Allen Poe, American author and poet
1839: Paul Cézanne, French painter
1943: Janis Joplin, American rock singer
1946: Dolly Parton, US country singer and film actress

Sign: Cancer
Rising Sign: Capricorn
Moon: Capricorn
Mercury: Cancer
Venus: Taurus
Mars: Taurus
Chiron: Taurus
Jupiter: Jupiter
Saturn: Leo
Uranus: Scorpio
Neptune: Sagitarius
Pluto: Libra

Birthcity: W. Lafayette, Indiana: Home of Purdue University, the World's Largest Drum, Attempted Courthouse Bombings, and Arni's, (YUM!)

Current city?: Salt Lake City, Utah: Home of the LDS Church, the 2002 Winter Olympic Games, and neighbor to the The Sundance Film Festival

Employment: Part-time student, barista at a nice, quiet french bistro

Where are you going to school? Utah College of Massage Therapy - Professional Massage Therapy Program

Are you seeing anyone? Chad Joeseph ..., 30, we met April 17, 1998. We've been together in one form or another since then. Chad moved to SLC to be with me in September of 2001. He's quite simply the nicest, funniest, deepest person I've ever met. And he's cute.

Favorite Musical Group? too many to count. A big fan of diverse mixed cd's

Favorite Movie? Strictly Ballroom, most anything by Tim Burton (you are forgiven for Planet of the Apes) and Ridley Scott

Favorite Artist? big fan of Wassily Kandinsky and Keith Haring

2002-01-19T01:27:00.000-08:00

Wintertime Blues (Paul's Mix v.4)

My latest mixed cd:

1. Carol King: So Far Away
2. Willie Nelson: September Song
3. Hank Williams: I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry
4. Mel Tormé: Born To Be Blue
5. Tracy Chapman: Bridges
6. Nina Simone: Don’t Explain
7. Tony Bennett: I Guess I’ll Have To Change My Plan
8. Chris Isaak: Waiting
9. Ella Fitzgerald: You Won’t Be Satisfied (Until You Break My Heart)
10. The Cox Family: I Am Weary (Let Me Rest)
11. Tori Amos: Winter
12. Moby: Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad?
13. Modest Mouse: The Cold Part
14. Mel Tormé: I Loved You Once In Silence
15. Carol King: It’s Too Late
16. Tracy Chapman: All That You Have Is Your Soul
17. Nina Simone: Please Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood
18. Cowboy Junkies: Lost My Driving Wheel

So sad, yet so cathartic. I love it.

2002-01-19T01:23:00.000-08:00

What, exactly, is going on with George Lucas' neck?

2002-01-19T00:44:00.000-08:00

Olympic Fever (of 102º)

So Lori, my sis, says I was having a soundtrack moment about the previous entry. definatley.

Yes, the Olympics will be here shortly. I must say that it will be completely insane. 80,000 people are supposed to be visiting this fine city each day for the duration of the games! I imagine that after 5 years of planning and over 300 million dollars in security and a whole lot more in infrastructure improvemnets, bribery scandals, court cases, etc... that the Olympics themselves will be almost anticlimactic for everyone. I can imagine a collective "that's it?" when the games are over. "Postpartum depression" will abound.

Security measures will be so insane: I've heard that a six block area of downtown will be fenced off with chainlink and razor wire. SLC is nestled between two airforce bases and there are no-fly zones over all of the Oly venues. Something like 5,000 to 10,000 National Guardsmen will be in town to help with security. John Ashcroft was here (in SLC) today to look over the security measures.

Craziness!

On a personal note, my place of employment, Au Bon Appetit, a nice french bistro in downtown SLC, will be magically transforming into the HOUSE OF SWITZERLAND. This will be the official hospitality site for the Swiss Olympic team, something the Swiss team does at each Olympics and is really popular. At the '98 Nagano games, the House of Swiss would open at 9:30 in the morning; people would start lining up at 7:30. I signed for a shipment of 80 cases of Swiss chocolate on Thursday; these we will be giving out to the public that visits. Today, one of the servers, myself and Chef all sampled from a box of them. YUM!!

One of the guys I work with, Owen, is renting his place out for 3K for the weeks of the games!!! All of the servers will be receiving a base pay of $150 (for each 8 hour shift) during the games (not including tips.) That means if a server worked at all 17 days of the games they could make $2,550 not including tips. I could just shoot myself for not sticking with the serving job back in August and switching to the Patisserie job instead. The Patisserie, of course, will be closed and removed from the building during the games to make room for a press area and some large screen tv's. Ah life is full of fun decisions. :(

I will be breaking out the camera during the games and trying to record as much as possible. Maybe by then I will have been able to figure out a way to publish them on my site.

2002-01-15T21:50:00.000-08:00

So Far Away

How nice of a synchronicity!

Get home and put Carol King in: "So Far Away" (Sad song about loved ones not being here)

Pick up phone, check messages...

So far away, doesn't anyone stay in one place anymore?

My boyfriend (who has been "estranged" from me for almost a month) is on there telling me how much he misses me and loves me and wants to come home.

It would be so fine to see your face at my door...

But then my sister, (who lives in Salt Lake City and that I saw yesterday) leavesa message letting me know that she misses me and loves me!

It doesn't help to know that you're just time away...

Aww!

I love you guys!

2002-01-13T21:54:00.000-08:00

Lists and Such

It's Sunday night; that means it's laundry day! (Woo hoo) It is also a new moon, which means it's smudge the apartment day! (Double woo hoo) Chad, it's too bad you are not here to smudge with me. I miss you bunches brother-man. Come home soon!

So here are some things I 'd like to do before the grim reaper comes knocking:

1. Jump out of an airplane, (with a parachute of course.)
2. Learn how to snowboard.
3. Learn HTML
4. Learn other programming languages that are yet to be known by me
5. Own my own business
6. Learn to play the bass
7. Learn how to weld (3-D metal scultures, just you wait)
8. Own a digital darkroom
9. Raise a child
10. Be an uncle
11. Map out my geneology
12. Have a photography exhibit (doesnt matter if it's a coffee house or a nationally renowned museum)
13. Own a house
14. and a garden
15. Visit a foreign country
16. Live in a foreign country
17. Live in San Francisco
18. Take a drawing class
19. Go to art school
20. Eat, Drink, and Be Merry

2002-01-13T02:16:00.000-08:00

"Some times I feel like I'm falling"

I thought these lyrics to one of my favorite Dave Matthews Band songs was a fitting intro to this entry:

"Sometimes I feel like I'm falling
Fall back again, fall back again,
Fall back again, fall back again

Oh, life it seems a struggle between
What we think what we see
I'm not going to change my ways
Just to please you or appease you
Inside a crowd, five billion proud
Willing to punch it out
Right, wrong, weak, strong
Ashes to ashes all fall down
Look around about this round
About this merry-go-round around
If at all God's gaze upon us fall
His mischievous grin, look at him

Forget about the reasons and
The treasons we are seeking
Forget about the notion that
Our emotions can be swept away
Forget about being guilty,
We are innocent instead
For soon we will all find our lives swept away..." -Dave Matthews Band, "Seek Up"

What gets me the most at these times is the humanity involved. And a painful idea of my own isolation.

Right now there are, all over this planet, people talking, sharing stories, loving, hating, crying, sleeping, working, catching buses, fighting, burning down houses, raping, punching in time clocks, getting off of work, designing web pages, tucking their children in, worrying about where the next paycheck will come from, lingering in dark alleys, going to meditation retreats, fixing dinner, calling 9-1-1, eating dinner, flying f-16's-mapping out targets to destroy, fighting for their lives...

The humanity, the immense scope of it all is what sends me reeling!

This planet spinning around the sun. This solar system spinning around in an outside arm of an immense galaxy, which in turn, is only one galaxy in a universe that is bigger than my imagination--my mind--can get itself around.

Somewhere right now Osama Bin Laden, perhaps, is in a cave plotting and scheming, or maybe, just fearing for his life. There are Palestinians fighting for their right to have a place to call home; there are Israeli's doing the same. There are homeless walking the streets in this town, in my home town, my parents are sleeping in their beds (I hope peacefully.) There are people in "first world countries" thinking of killing themselves. There are people in third world countries relishing the stars in the sky or the dawning sun. There are prostitutes getting slapped around by pimps. There are "johns" looking for an hour of blissful forgetting. There are kids O.D.ing on illegal substances, there are adults getting high on legal substances all looking for the same thing the johns are looking for.

There are friends having brunch in Sydney, Australia. There are suspension bridges in San Francisco and skyscrapers in Tokyo, Japan swaying in the wind like the uppermost branches of trees.

A planet teeming with life, reeling in death. Immersed in contradiction.

Making my head swim.

2002-01-12T00:19:00.000-08:00

i thought this was a fitting horoscope for a week full of blogging... that and I've been thinking I need to get my head shrunk...

Mercury Trine Pluto (This transit will last approximately
3 days): There is a great force and depth to you right now,
and you're no longer satisfied with a superficial understanding
of yourself or the world. Energized by this powerful need
to know the absolute truth, you ask very penetrating questions
of others, perhaps revealing some juicy and scintillating
secrets about yourself in the process. And these are revelations
on a grand scale, for you're only interested in the
complex and profound during this time. Insight could come
from an unexpected source, too; you may simply say hello to
a casual acquaintance in a coffee shop and end up leaving with
much more than just a latte! Turning this deep investigative
energy onto yourself could be very beneficial. You've much
to learn from yourself, so let loose with the introspection.
If you see a therapist, now would be an especially opportune
time for an appointment; you're prepared to mine deeply
for hidden nuggets of personal truth. If you've got work to
do, you can channel this intensity into focusing on the task
at hand, your obsessive attention shutting out the world and
its distractions.

2002-01-11T22:22:00.000-08:00

Man, the new iMac is sooo sexy. I am smitten. I wish I had about 5k to buy all the fun digital toys that I want.. but of course that is why I am going to school right? That SuperDrive is about the coolest things I've heard about in a while. Yum yum yum. Steve Jobs you rock my world. (did i just say "rock my world?")

2002-01-11T16:05:00.000-08:00

I've Got You Babe

So I have been having the same day over and over again all week. It's like Groundhog's Day lite... for example this is what my schedule has looked like all week.

1. Get up for work at 6:20ish... get dressed, run to catch the 6:36 bus.
2. Get to work 10 minutes late (at 6:40)
3. Bake croissants in exactly the same way you do every other day
4. Run store for 4 hours, read The Fellowship of the Ring (Lord of the Rings part I)
5. Get done with work at 10:30
7. Smoke a cigarette between work and the gym
8. Run across street while stop light is counting down from 10 (beep-boop, beep-boop, beep-boop)
9. Go through same doors, walk through same hallway to the same elevator
10. The same guy is working every day at the front desk of the gym, every day he is on the phone when I want to check in, every day he waves me past and say's "You can go ahead."
11. Work out until early afternoon
12. Blonde girl who has replaced the "go on through guy" says, "Thanks, Have a nice day!" as I am walking out
13. On way home from gym, read the Fellowship of the Ring while walking
14. Stop at either Sages Cafe or Oasis Cafe and get a vegetarian dish for lunch
15. Eat food while continuing to read
16. If I stop at the Top Stop gas station to buy cigarettes, the brown haired woman behind the counter will tell me "You have an awesome one." as our transaction is complete.
17. Go home, check e-mail. Spend obnoxious amounts of time on compuer checking and updating blog
18. Go to class at quarter till 7pm
19. Get home from class at 10:41pm (every day, I'm serious)
20. Stay up till 1:30 on computer chatting, updating blog, etc.
21. Go to sleep, think about how you stayed up too late
22. Repeat

I need help. Or maybe this is just like Groundhog's Day and I am just doing the same thing over and over again until I get it "right."
No, I need help.

2002-01-11T00:22:00.000-08:00

An "It's 1:30 in the morning and you have to be up at 5:30 haiku"

Oh my computer,
You are a gaping black hole;
Where does the time go?

2002-01-10T22:30:00.000-08:00

Had Anatomy IV tonight. Our first anatomy class back from break. Learned about some of the sensory organs. The tongue, the ear, the eye. I have been so tired all week from staying up too late and getting up too early that I was falling asleep in class. Also, just before class, I realized that the clock on my computer was 10 minutes slow and that I really had 9 minutes to get to class instead of 19; ended up running pretty much all the way to school. I got to the classroom just as our P.T.A. was calling my name off of roll. Phew. The things I put myself through for this goal of 100% attendance and a 4.0. But so far, so good!

2002-01-10T17:35:00.000-08:00

Man, I've been exploring this blog business all afternoon. Extend arm... draw needle... tap vein. I am soooo addicted. Props to sites like 8LeggedDJ and East Coast/West Coast. It is really exciting to hear personal accounts of other gay guys lives. I am going to learn HTML this year. It will be so much fun! But now, I have to go smoke a cigarette and then off to class; Anatomy IV at UCMT

2002-01-09T22:58:00.000-08:00

More cool suff added today...
Links to other blogs and some of my favorite sites. (I wish I knew how to get them to pop up in another window though...)
I even have a counter now! (now how do I center it?)
And one signature in my guestbook (props to lauren... my HTML guru and moral support)

2002-01-08T22:55:00.000-08:00

So, yeah, I'm proud of myself. I've added a couple of things to my little blog (like a guestbook! and a description of myself! and revamped the title and the look-and-feel. (well maybe the "look" but the "feel" thing is a little obtuse)

2002-01-07T22:32:00.000-08:00

"I'm a little black raincloud..."

To give you an idea of my day, here's my "in depth" horosope from Astrology.com :

Moon Conjunct Uranus (This transit will last approximately
1 day): You're feeling out of sync with your environment
and out of sorts for no conceivable reason right now. A rebellious,
restless energy passes through your day, disrupting
your routine, your work and your mood. If you allow this energy
to take hold, you could suddenly find yourself in an argument
you wouldn't usually have strong emotions about. Your
actions or utterances may surprise you and those around you;
you're uncharacteristically defiant and agitated. Rather than
trying to fight these powerful urges, go with the flow. Resistance
could cause unnecessary and impassioned confrontations
and costly mistakes; for example, if you're at work and
a spurt of nervous energy overcomes you, mistakes and misjudgments
can be avoided if you just take a step back from your
responsibilities for a moment. Go out for a jog around the
block or brew yourself some hot chamomile tea to soothe those
frazzled nerves. You're better off leaving things alone for a little while.
Also, there's a chance that you may receive some unexpected emotional news.

And then, here's how my day went:

Classes started up again at UCMT. I really, really did not want to go back to school. In fact I was ready to drop out and call it a day. Of course I have/had not one clue as to what I would be doing instead, and the thought of working in some low paying, low/no respect job 'till the end of my days depressed me enough that it got my ass in gear and off to class. I have had a black raincloud over my head for most of the day. Such is Monday when you've had 3 hours of sleep. Yuck. Over emotional, over stressed.

At the job this morning, my boss didn't leave me any cash for the drawer, so i ended up covering it myself; I managed to brew coffee twice in the same pot, which means I spent a good portion of the next hour mopping up the overflow that brewed itself over everything. Mmm... love the intermingled sent of old mop water, dirt, and java.

Went to work out and take advantage of day 5 of my 12 day free pass to Apple Fitness: Forgot the gym shoes at home, which I realized while I was in the locker room, naked, having just done my stretching and sweating in the steam room so that I could go work out. Had the gym shorts halfway up my leg, realized this and was like, "Fuck!" A waste of time.

I miss my boyfriend, he is STILL in Elkhart with his family and will be there until the 21st! Grumble... grumble. Chad, come home! I want my best friend back! New really bad "Mars movies" to watch honey! Where's my reliable date to the movies? Where's my cuddle partner. COME HOME.

The one and only positive note, okay actually there were two, of the day was helping my sister make a bidness card that looked presentable and that she was happy with (props to Lori!) And then finally getting a massage in Massage IV tonight. We focused on the neck and face. So good, especially considering that this is where I store ALL my stress: my face, neck, and shoulders (face especially.) It made me feel like I could really be a massage therapist.

I have noticed something about my self... It's always harder on the outside looking in than it is actually being inside. What I mean is: The thought of actually doing "things" (great use of adjectives there Paulo) is soo much worse than the actual doing. I procrastinate and procrastinate because the idea of doing it (be it a homework assignment, art project, woking out, shit, even balancing my check book, or even posting to this blog) is sooo much worse than just doing it. But this is how I operate, it's been this way since I was i grade school... even Kindergarten! I had such mixed/gloomy-doomy feelings about going back to school but then once i was actually in the process of doing, it wasn't hard/bad/yucky/boring like I thought it would be.. it was actually fun. I think I have performace anxiety.

UCMT is back in full effect muthafu*a!
It's hands on fun! for the whole damn family!

2002-01-06T22:56:00.000-08:00

So, Lori, her boyfriend John, and I went to Hollywood Video tonight with the "simple task" of picking out a movie that the three of us have not seen and that the three of us WANT to see... easy enough right? um... no. Let's start out by saying that the way Hollywood Video arranges there DVD's is just plain dumb. Alphabetically? Hello? The Bad News Bears right next to Boys in the Hood? Doesnt make much sense to me. Also, we all ended up with videostore neck, you know... holding your head sideways so that you can see the titles of the movies? In addition, we all happen to be movie buffs, so between the three of us we've seen almost all the movies that came out in the past 5 years. a half hour of, "seen it, seen it, you've seen it, hated it, don't want to see it." Out of desperation, we ended up renting, Pay it Forward. (Kevin Spacely, Helen Hunt, and Haley Joel Osmet)
Ah yes, Pay It Forward... "Do three good deeds to people who really need it and expect nothing in return except that they return the favor by bestowing three good deeds on three other people." A nice, sweet idea, but throw in the over the top acting, silly plot, and the most emotionally manipulative filmaking I've ever seen, and you've got a recipe for rolling your eyes right out of your head. Every scene had a "message." Every scene was a scene of "great importance" and "high drama." I think the screenwriters thought that if they threw in enough crying jigs, people would walk out of the theater sniffing, "that was such a good movie, I'm gonna go call my parents..." I don't think so.
Alcoholism, drug addiction, a guy with burns, child abuse, unrequited love, requited love (finally,) love scorned, requited love (again) spousal abuse, world utopias, gangs, unabashed altruism, cute little eleven year olds, homeless people, candlelight vigils!... this movie had every possible tear jerker equation factored in except that no one stoically and graciously dies of cancer. Sappy to the end, it was like watching a Hallmark commercial if Hallmark had a section for societal ill's... (when you care to send the very best...to your drunk grandmother in an abusive relationship) I wasn't weeping so much as leaking, really.

Anyway, to sum it up... good idea, BAD delivery. Helen Hunt... stop playing these roles where you are the single mom who tries her best and meets a nice (older) man. ex: As Good As It Gets, Pay it Forward. Haley Joel Osmet... hopefully you will suffer the same fate as Macaully Calukin dried up and out of our site by 14...

night folks.

2002-01-06T21:37:00.000-08:00

I have been corrected: Lauren is in charge of the haiku site, along with many others. If you would like to see them, you can check them out at lauren's site.

2002-01-05T22:01:00.000-08:00

This is a haiku I submitted to a site my friend Lauren is either operating or knows about, I am not sure which. It's my New Year's resolution haiku. I wish I could stake claim to the phrase "itty-bitty shitty committee" but alas, I cannot. A guy I know, Alex, (shit, goddam) who works at Golden Braid bookstore told me about it when we were talking about New years resolutions and such... anyway, here goes.

My New Year’s Resolution

It’s itty-bitty
The shitty committee is
And it’s in my head

No longer will I
Listen to it’s ranting voice
It’s pathetic snarl

“You’re fat, you homo,
You’re no good at living life,
Dig what I say, freak?”

Living in the dark.
They’re jealous of me, you see
I’ll live in the light.

A demon, a rat,
A sensor, a curmudgeon;
Feeding on self doubt

My resolution:
To no longer give them food,
Soon they’ll wither and die

2002-01-05T21:56:00.000-08:00

Bwah hah hah. A fit of hedonistic urges and delusional self aggrandizement has brought me back to you o, blogger of blogs. It's been over a month since I payed homage to you, my online journal of mental floss. But that is how it goes, this is how I operate. Start with gusto, lose interest in a week's time. Or in this case, a day's time. It applies to nearly everything in my life! Hobbies, health, school, certain ex-boyfriends, jobs, etc. I have been a starter and not a finisher. What is it? Lazyness? Boredom? It has been this way forever, I am slowly trying to rectify this. So here's to you, my dear blog, may you bloom and grow, my little edelweiss.

2001-11-06T13:35:00.000-08:00

I'm starting a cleanse today. It's called the Master Cleanse and for the next couple days I will be consuming nothing but a drink made from lemon and lime juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. I suppose I will be quitting smoking while I do this, perhaps permanently. So this should be an intense period of time! I will keep this page updated as feelings and thoughts come up that I need to deal with...

2001-11-06T12:50:00.000-08:00

This is my new blog... I'm not sure how this is going to end up