Wednesday, January 30

Not here but somewhere...

Had our third Craniosacral Therapy class tonight. I looove this modality. For those of you who do not know what Craniosacral Therapy is, here's an explanation: (taken from our CST book)

Cranial Sacral Therapy is a gentle, hands-on approach to bodywork. It deals with with the bones of the head, spinal column, sacrum, and the underlying structures. The main objective of this work is to find restrictions and/or compression in these areas and use specifically designed techniques to release these areas.

-excerpt from Craniosacral Therapy C.G. Funk, for Utah College of Massage Therapy

This modality is incredibly relaxing and can be useful in relieving many symptoms such as:

- Chronic pain, especially in the neck and back
- Headaches (tension, migranes, cluster)
- TMJ dysfunction
- Emotional trauma
- Auditory problems
- Stress related dysfunction
- Arthritis
- learning/behaivior disorders in infants and children (such as ADD/ADHD)

Anyway, so that is a quick overview of CST and it's benefits. So far we have just worked with the bones of the skull, real subtle manipulation, not much more than the depth of a piece of paper; what I really want to talk about is the head space (pun intended) that it puts me in:

Where did I go?
Because time has passed and while I was here;
I could hear everything and was aware of my body,
I was also somewhere else.
Somewhere deep in my mind and body,
Not really asleep but not really awake.
Almost like astral projection,
Like falling into myself.

posted by Paul at 10:49:00 PM

Tuesday, January 29

Hmm... been real busy and having a bit of a crisis of faith as to why I'm doing this [blogging] in the first place. Blogging can be a great insight into another person's life, it can also be shallow and trite. Which I suppose could also be an insight into another person's life as well. I suppose I let an article I read on the web get to me too much over the weekend. All about how most people's blogs suck and are a waste of the hard drive space they take up. But after visiting Noah Grey's site, I feel a little better about blogging. He really has some beautiful self expression (thanks to Philo, over at E/W, for the link.)

there definately feels at times like I have a responsibility to continue with this blog so that other people can read it. While I appreciate the interest it also feels a bit cheap at times. Am I being a total exhibitionist? Is my original tag line more than a little true? (Not enough deep sh*t to be engaging, too much blather to bother...) I don't know, I suppose that I am here right now writing this down, so that counts for something now doesn't it?

Anyway. Till next entry.
-Paul
posted by Paul at 10:31:00 PM

Friday, January 25

Candid Camera

Thank god that my life isn't taped constantly... not that anyone could possibly be interested in one more "reality" show, but if my life were taped, someone would of put my morning on some blooper reel. Which then would be unfunnily narrated by Bob Saget, or worse, Suzanne Sommers!

Got to work this morning went through steps 1 through 3 of the routine... went to open the store, which I announce by putting an eight foot papier mache chef named, "Jean," outside our door. I picked "Jean" up and carried him outside, at which point the locked door closed behind me. yes. I had now just locked myself out of "my" restaurant in 20 degree weather, wearing only a sweater and dress pants... trying the doors and windows, I saw my coat sitting on a chair (keys inside a pocket of said coat.) I ended up having to walk to a gas station and borrowing a phone book and then calling my boss and telling him that I was locked out of the restaurant:

"Hi Kristian, it's me"
"Hello Pol, (he's french and has an accent) what is going on?"
"I'm locked out of the restaurant" Then explaining to him what had happened...
"Aww shit man you are kidding me yes?"
"No... what do you want me to do?"
"I want you to be inside selling croissants!"
"Well I can't exactly do that..."
"I know that, but you will have to wait until I get there! It's 45 minutes for me to drive there"
(Fuck!) "Ok...well, um, ok...."
>click<

Yes! Fun to be had by all! Standing outside in the cold, strung out on coffee and not enough sleep, having to pee and feeling like shit. I ended up being let in about an hour later by the woman who's business shares our front door with us. When Kristian finally got there he said, "How is my little village idiot?" I rolled my eyes. Luckily he had a good sense of humor about the entire situation and we had a laugh about it. But good lord! How embarassing to have to explain to customers who came up to the door WHY I was standing outside in the cold, without a coat, with the doors locked, and why they couldn't have their croissants and coffee.

Lord.

grrr.
posted by Paul at 2:44:00 PM

Thursday, January 24

Shits and Giggles

Phew... schooooooool's out for... um... the weekend... and not a moment too soon. Nodding off during Anatomy tonight; we were learning all about the digestive system: the stomach, the small intestine, the colon, etc. Such exciting stuff, I could barely contain the urge to fall asleep and start drooling on my homework.

Fun Facts learned during Anatomy:
Did you know that you have very few nerve endings in your colon? Boys and girls into handballing beware!

Oh my god, did I really just post that? Ever searching for the lowest common denomenator!

But, since I'm hamming for my computer and trying to get your attention... Why don't you mosey on over to the The 2002 Bloggies site and cast your vote for your favorite Bloggity Blog Blog Blog? (vote for east/west cause their nice to me and are dahling little men)
posted by Paul at 10:20:00 PM

Tuesday, January 22

Peggy Lee died! She had the sexiest cool-cat voice. "Fever," "Black Coffee," "The Boy From Ipanema" you just don't get better or more hip than Peggy Lee, a swinging crooner who will be sorely missed!
posted by Paul at 10:27:00 PM

Monday, January 21

Just Lovely and Delicious

So after a moon and a half, my boyfriend has returned to me after a looong stint in Elkhart, IN visiting his Mom and Step-Dad and taking care of some business there. Nice things to hear upon his return: "So I told my mom, 'you know, Paul, he's my husband'"
She replies. "I know honey."

In other supportive news, my mother, the sweet woman that she is, told me of how she told off several of her co-workers the other day becasue of their use of some rather offensive homophobic terminology and demeanor. She is becoming quite the activist in her "old" age. Muchos thankos to mi Madre! (ahh spanglish!)

;)
posted by Paul at 10:46:00 PM

Props to Pops

Big thanks goes out to my dad who is, at this very moment, sending me MS Front Page to exacerbate my recently acquired web addiction. Dad, you rule!

posted by Paul at 10:38:00 PM

Intention and Intuition

Tonight in Massage IV, we gave "blind" massages. We had to give a forty minute massage completely blindfolded. The purpose of the exercise was to see how our intention can affect the outcome of our touch and how really listening and feeling with our hands and arms can give us clues into what our client needs most. It was simply incredible to let go of my eyesight and be completely focused on giving another person healing touch. I also seemed to give on of my better massages as a result of the exercise. This is something I will have to practice; to learn more fully how to listen to another person's body.

I am so glad I chose to follow my intention and come to this school.
posted by Paul at 10:27:00 PM

Sunday, January 20

I was reading on someone's site that the average life of a human is only 30,000 days (84 years.) According to some Life Expectancy meter i stumbled across on the 'Net, I only get 79 years. Which means that I only have about 19,580 left to go. Of course this doesn't factor in the fact that I smoke and I'm a gay male. So at best, 19,580 is a long shot. How depressing.
posted by Paul at 9:52:00 PM

The Routine

Ahh, I love Sunday evenings. Screw Sunday day; that is for sleeping. But Sunday nights are for chill atmosphere, NPR, and getting my person ready for a new week. Ordering in for food and listening to This American Life on the radio. Doing some laundry and picking up around the house. If the boy were home, we would play Rummy 500 while listening to Satelite Sisters and Piano Jazz while talking about whatever comes up.

Speaking of Chad, he's probably on the Western edge of Colorado by now, will be home probably by the time I get up for work in the morning. It has been too long.
posted by Paul at 8:15:00 PM


For some reason, I seem to be "horribly toxic" and only "seem interesting" any thoughts?



Which drink are you?
posted by Paul at 12:41:00 AM


to your left you will see that I added a new link for you all to peruse. Furniture Porn! This site is so hysterical... well at least it is to me. Check out the letters page. It's the best

posted by Paul at 12:09:00 AM

Saturday, January 19

Justify Your Life

So wow, I just sat through two of the longest hours of my entire life. Went with a couple of friends, (Justin, Lisa, Bekka) to see Bandits, starring Bruce Willis and Billy Bob Thorton. It was bad... bad, bad, bad. Not like groan-this-movie-is-so-bad-it's-good bad, but "mediocre I haven't reacted really to anything in this movie, oh my heck, I'm falling asleep, let's go home" bad.

Blah to write about what was wrong with it would be expending more energy than it took to make the movie. It would prolong it's "memory" in me and that's not something I aspire to do. blah.

So how do I get my two hours back? Lie to people. Tell them a profound lie about my Saturday night, "Oh yeah, went out to a really great restaurant and then went dancing with some friends, the dj was really grooving Saturday night let me tell you!" Then fiercely believe in the lie. Hold on to it at all costs and then eventually, the lie will become truth at least in my head.

Of course that would be expending even more energy into the time sucking black hole that was this movie. Nah... better to just let it "fade to black" and erase itself from my memory.
posted by Paul at 11:53:00 PM

My Boyfriend's Back in Town (sung to "The Boys are Back in Town")

YAY! Chad called me at 12:30 today from Chicago. He was in-between trains and wanted me to know that he is on his way home. Love him. He'll be home Monday morning early (according to Amtrak-which means sometime in the afternoon if their track record is of any indication.) At this point, I will eagerly plant "welcome home" kisses all over his beautiful smiling face.


posted by Paul at 4:51:00 PM

All About Me:

Name: Paul Allen ........
Birthdate: 06/30/1977

What does your name mean? PAUL (m) From the Roman family name Paulus, which meant "small" or "humble" (Latin). Which is funny because I was born weighing about 4 pounds, a "shoebox baby." I coudn't breath on my own so I spent the first several days of my life in the ICU in an incubator. Also, I have a rather self-effacing sense of humor.

On that day in History: 1986 - The U.S. Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that states could outlaw homosexual acts (such as interior decorating and shopping) between consenting adults.

Birthdays with whom I share:
1809: Edgar Allen Poe, American author and poet
1839: Paul Cézanne, French painter
1943: Janis Joplin, American rock singer
1946: Dolly Parton, US country singer and film actress

Sign: Cancer
Rising Sign: Capricorn
Moon: Capricorn
Mercury: Cancer
Venus: Taurus
Mars: Taurus
Chiron: Taurus
Jupiter: Jupiter
Saturn: Leo
Uranus: Scorpio
Neptune: Sagitarius
Pluto: Libra

Birthcity: W. Lafayette, Indiana: Home of Purdue University, the World's Largest Drum, Attempted Courthouse Bombings, and Arni's, (YUM!)

Current city?: Salt Lake City, Utah: Home of the LDS Church, the 2002 Winter Olympic Games, and neighbor to the The Sundance Film Festival

Employment: Part-time student, barista at a nice, quiet french bistro

Where are you going to school? Utah College of Massage Therapy - Professional Massage Therapy Program

Are you seeing anyone? Chad Joeseph ..., 30, we met April 17, 1998. We've been together in one form or another since then. Chad moved to SLC to be with me in September of 2001. He's quite simply the nicest, funniest, deepest person I've ever met. And he's cute.

Favorite Musical Group? too many to count. A big fan of diverse mixed cd's

Favorite Movie? Strictly Ballroom, most anything by Tim Burton (you are forgiven for Planet of the Apes) and Ridley Scott

Favorite Artist? big fan of Wassily Kandinsky and Keith Haring
posted by Paul at 3:17:00 AM

Wintertime Blues (Paul's Mix v.4)

My latest mixed cd:

1. Carol King: So Far Away
2. Willie Nelson: September Song
3. Hank Williams: I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry
4. Mel Tormé: Born To Be Blue
5. Tracy Chapman: Bridges
6. Nina Simone: Don’t Explain
7. Tony Bennett: I Guess I’ll Have To Change My Plan
8. Chris Isaak: Waiting
9. Ella Fitzgerald: You Won’t Be Satisfied (Until You Break My Heart)
10. The Cox Family: I Am Weary (Let Me Rest)
11. Tori Amos: Winter
12. Moby: Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad?
13. Modest Mouse: The Cold Part
14. Mel Tormé: I Loved You Once In Silence
15. Carol King: It’s Too Late
16. Tracy Chapman: All That You Have Is Your Soul
17. Nina Simone: Please Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood
18. Cowboy Junkies: Lost My Driving Wheel

So sad, yet so cathartic. I love it.
posted by Paul at 1:27:00 AM


What, exactly, is going on with George Lucas' neck?
posted by Paul at 1:23:00 AM

Olympic Fever (of 102º)

So Lori, my sis, says I was having a soundtrack moment about the previous entry. definatley.

Yes, the Olympics will be here shortly. I must say that it will be completely insane. 80,000 people are supposed to be visiting this fine city each day for the duration of the games! I imagine that after 5 years of planning and over 300 million dollars in security and a whole lot more in infrastructure improvemnets, bribery scandals, court cases, etc... that the Olympics themselves will be almost anticlimactic for everyone. I can imagine a collective "that's it?" when the games are over. "Postpartum depression" will abound.

Security measures will be so insane: I've heard that a six block area of downtown will be fenced off with chainlink and razor wire. SLC is nestled between two airforce bases and there are no-fly zones over all of the Oly venues. Something like 5,000 to 10,000 National Guardsmen will be in town to help with security. John Ashcroft was here (in SLC) today to look over the security measures.

Craziness!

On a personal note, my place of employment, Au Bon Appetit, a nice french bistro in downtown SLC, will be magically transforming into the HOUSE OF SWITZERLAND. This will be the official hospitality site for the Swiss Olympic team, something the Swiss team does at each Olympics and is really popular. At the '98 Nagano games, the House of Swiss would open at 9:30 in the morning; people would start lining up at 7:30. I signed for a shipment of 80 cases of Swiss chocolate on Thursday; these we will be giving out to the public that visits. Today, one of the servers, myself and Chef all sampled from a box of them. YUM!!

One of the guys I work with, Owen, is renting his place out for 3K for the weeks of the games!!! All of the servers will be receiving a base pay of $150 (for each 8 hour shift) during the games (not including tips.) That means if a server worked at all 17 days of the games they could make $2,550 not including tips. I could just shoot myself for not sticking with the serving job back in August and switching to the Patisserie job instead. The Patisserie, of course, will be closed and removed from the building during the games to make room for a press area and some large screen tv's. Ah life is full of fun decisions. :(

I will be breaking out the camera during the games and trying to record as much as possible. Maybe by then I will have been able to figure out a way to publish them on my site.
posted by Paul at 12:44:00 AM

Tuesday, January 15

So Far Away

How nice of a synchronicity!

Get home and put Carol King in: "So Far Away" (Sad song about loved ones not being here)

Pick up phone, check messages...

So far away, doesn't anyone stay in one place anymore?

My boyfriend (who has been "estranged" from me for almost a month) is on there telling me how much he misses me and loves me and wants to come home.

It would be so fine to see your face at my door...

But then my sister, (who lives in Salt Lake City and that I saw yesterday) leavesa message letting me know that she misses me and loves me!

It doesn't help to know that you're just time away...

Aww!

I love you guys!

posted by Paul at 9:50:00 PM

Sunday, January 13

Lists and Such

It's Sunday night; that means it's laundry day! (Woo hoo) It is also a new moon, which means it's smudge the apartment day! (Double woo hoo) Chad, it's too bad you are not here to smudge with me. I miss you bunches brother-man. Come home soon!

So here are some things I 'd like to do before the grim reaper comes knocking:

1. Jump out of an airplane, (with a parachute of course.)
2. Learn how to snowboard.
3. Learn HTML
4. Learn other programming languages that are yet to be known by me
5. Own my own business
6. Learn to play the bass
7. Learn how to weld (3-D metal scultures, just you wait)
8. Own a digital darkroom
9. Raise a child
10. Be an uncle
11. Map out my geneology
12. Have a photography exhibit (doesnt matter if it's a coffee house or a nationally renowned museum)
13. Own a house
14. and a garden
15. Visit a foreign country
16. Live in a foreign country
17. Live in San Francisco
18. Take a drawing class
19. Go to art school
20. Eat, Drink, and Be Merry



posted by Paul at 9:54:00 PM

"Some times I feel like I'm falling"

I thought these lyrics to one of my favorite Dave Matthews Band songs was a fitting intro to this entry:

"Sometimes I feel like I'm falling
Fall back again, fall back again,
Fall back again, fall back again

Oh, life it seems a struggle between
What we think what we see
I'm not going to change my ways
Just to please you or appease you
Inside a crowd, five billion proud
Willing to punch it out
Right, wrong, weak, strong
Ashes to ashes all fall down
Look around about this round
About this merry-go-round around
If at all God's gaze upon us fall
His mischievous grin, look at him

Forget about the reasons and
The treasons we are seeking
Forget about the notion that
Our emotions can be swept away
Forget about being guilty,
We are innocent instead
For soon we will all find our lives swept away..." -Dave Matthews Band, "Seek Up"



What gets me the most at these times is the humanity involved. And a painful idea of my own isolation.

Right now there are, all over this planet, people talking, sharing stories, loving, hating, crying, sleeping, working, catching buses, fighting, burning down houses, raping, punching in time clocks, getting off of work, designing web pages, tucking their children in, worrying about where the next paycheck will come from, lingering in dark alleys, going to meditation retreats, fixing dinner, calling 9-1-1, eating dinner, flying f-16's-mapping out targets to destroy, fighting for their lives...

The humanity, the immense scope of it all is what sends me reeling!

This planet spinning around the sun. This solar system spinning around in an outside arm of an immense galaxy, which in turn, is only one galaxy in a universe that is bigger than my imagination--my mind--can get itself around.

Somewhere right now Osama Bin Laden, perhaps, is in a cave plotting and scheming, or maybe, just fearing for his life. There are Palestinians fighting for their right to have a place to call home; there are Israeli's doing the same. There are homeless walking the streets in this town, in my home town, my parents are sleeping in their beds (I hope peacefully.) There are people in "first world countries" thinking of killing themselves. There are people in third world countries relishing the stars in the sky or the dawning sun. There are prostitutes getting slapped around by pimps. There are "johns" looking for an hour of blissful forgetting. There are kids O.D.ing on illegal substances, there are adults getting high on legal substances all looking for the same thing the johns are looking for.

There are friends having brunch in Sydney, Australia. There are suspension bridges in San Francisco and skyscrapers in Tokyo, Japan swaying in the wind like the uppermost branches of trees.

A planet teeming with life, reeling in death. Immersed in contradiction.

Making my head swim.

posted by Paul at 2:16:00 AM

Saturday, January 12

i thought this was a fitting horoscope for a week full of blogging... that and I've been thinking I need to get my head shrunk...

Mercury Trine Pluto (This transit will last approximately
3 days): There is a great force and depth to you right now,
and you're no longer satisfied with a superficial understanding
of yourself or the world. Energized by this powerful need
to know the absolute truth, you ask very penetrating questions
of others, perhaps revealing some juicy and scintillating
secrets about yourself in the process. And these are revelations
on a grand scale, for you're only interested in the
complex and profound during this time. Insight could come
from an unexpected source, too; you may simply say hello to
a casual acquaintance in a coffee shop and end up leaving with
much more than just a latte! Turning this deep investigative
energy onto yourself could be very beneficial. You've much
to learn from yourself, so let loose with the introspection.
If you see a therapist, now would be an especially opportune
time for an appointment; you're prepared to mine deeply
for hidden nuggets of personal truth. If you've got work to
do, you can channel this intensity into focusing on the task
at hand, your obsessive attention shutting out the world and
its distractions.
posted by Paul at 12:19:00 AM

Friday, January 11

Man, the new iMac is sooo sexy. I am smitten. I wish I had about 5k to buy all the fun digital toys that I want.. but of course that is why I am going to school right? That SuperDrive is about the coolest things I've heard about in a while. Yum yum yum. Steve Jobs you rock my world. (did i just say "rock my world?")
posted by Paul at 10:22:00 PM

I've Got You Babe

So I have been having the same day over and over again all week. It's like Groundhog's Day lite... for example this is what my schedule has looked like all week.

1. Get up for work at 6:20ish... get dressed, run to catch the 6:36 bus.
2. Get to work 10 minutes late (at 6:40)
3. Bake croissants in exactly the same way you do every other day
4. Run store for 4 hours, read The Fellowship of the Ring (Lord of the Rings part I)
5. Get done with work at 10:30
7. Smoke a cigarette between work and the gym
8. Run across street while stop light is counting down from 10 (beep-boop, beep-boop, beep-boop)
9. Go through same doors, walk through same hallway to the same elevator
10. The same guy is working every day at the front desk of the gym, every day he is on the phone when I want to check in, every day he waves me past and say's "You can go ahead."
11. Work out until early afternoon
12. Blonde girl who has replaced the "go on through guy" says, "Thanks, Have a nice day!" as I am walking out
13. On way home from gym, read the Fellowship of the Ring while walking
14. Stop at either Sages Cafe or Oasis Cafe and get a vegetarian dish for lunch
15. Eat food while continuing to read
16. If I stop at the Top Stop gas station to buy cigarettes, the brown haired woman behind the counter will tell me "You have an awesome one." as our transaction is complete.
17. Go home, check e-mail. Spend obnoxious amounts of time on compuer checking and updating blog
18. Go to class at quarter till 7pm
19. Get home from class at 10:41pm (every day, I'm serious)
20. Stay up till 1:30 on computer chatting, updating blog, etc.
21. Go to sleep, think about how you stayed up too late
22. Repeat

I need help. Or maybe this is just like Groundhog's Day and I am just doing the same thing over and over again until I get it "right."
No, I need help.
posted by Paul at 4:05:00 PM


An "It's 1:30 in the morning and you have to be up at 5:30 haiku"

Oh my computer,
You are a gaping black hole;
Where does the time go?

posted by Paul at 12:22:00 AM

Thursday, January 10

Had Anatomy IV tonight. Our first anatomy class back from break. Learned about some of the sensory organs. The tongue, the ear, the eye. I have been so tired all week from staying up too late and getting up too early that I was falling asleep in class. Also, just before class, I realized that the clock on my computer was 10 minutes slow and that I really had 9 minutes to get to class instead of 19; ended up running pretty much all the way to school. I got to the classroom just as our P.T.A. was calling my name off of roll. Phew. The things I put myself through for this goal of 100% attendance and a 4.0. But so far, so good!
posted by Paul at 10:30:00 PM


Man, I've been exploring this blog business all afternoon. Extend arm... draw needle... tap vein. I am soooo addicted. Props to sites like 8LeggedDJ and East Coast/West Coast. It is really exciting to hear personal accounts of other gay guys lives. I am going to learn HTML this year. It will be so much fun! But now, I have to go smoke a cigarette and then off to class; Anatomy IV at UCMT
posted by Paul at 5:35:00 PM

Wednesday, January 9

More cool suff added today...
Links to other blogs and some of my favorite sites. (I wish I knew how to get them to pop up in another window though...)
I even have a counter now! (now how do I center it?)
And one signature in my guestbook (props to lauren... my HTML guru and moral support)
posted by Paul at 10:58:00 PM

Tuesday, January 8

So, yeah, I'm proud of myself. I've added a couple of things to my little blog (like a guestbook! and a description of myself! and revamped the title and the look-and-feel. (well maybe the "look" but the "feel" thing is a little obtuse)
posted by Paul at 10:55:00 PM

Monday, January 7

"I'm a little black raincloud..."

To give you an idea of my day, here's my "in depth" horosope from Astrology.com :

Moon Conjunct Uranus (This transit will last approximately
1 day): You're feeling out of sync with your environment
and out of sorts for no conceivable reason right now. A rebellious,
restless energy passes through your day, disrupting
your routine, your work and your mood. If you allow this energy
to take hold, you could suddenly find yourself in an argument
you wouldn't usually have strong emotions about. Your
actions or utterances may surprise you and those around you;
you're uncharacteristically defiant and agitated. Rather than
trying to fight these powerful urges, go with the flow. Resistance
could cause unnecessary and impassioned confrontations
and costly mistakes; for example, if you're at work and
a spurt of nervous energy overcomes you, mistakes and misjudgments
can be avoided if you just take a step back from your
responsibilities for a moment. Go out for a jog around the
block or brew yourself some hot chamomile tea to soothe those
frazzled nerves. You're better off leaving things alone for a little while.
Also, there's a chance that you may receive some unexpected emotional news.

And then, here's how my day went:

Classes started up again at UCMT. I really, really did not want to go back to school. In fact I was ready to drop out and call it a day. Of course I have/had not one clue as to what I would be doing instead, and the thought of working in some low paying, low/no respect job 'till the end of my days depressed me enough that it got my ass in gear and off to class. I have had a black raincloud over my head for most of the day. Such is Monday when you've had 3 hours of sleep. Yuck. Over emotional, over stressed.

At the job this morning, my boss didn't leave me any cash for the drawer, so i ended up covering it myself; I managed to brew coffee twice in the same pot, which means I spent a good portion of the next hour mopping up the overflow that brewed itself over everything. Mmm... love the intermingled sent of old mop water, dirt, and java.

Went to work out and take advantage of day 5 of my 12 day free pass to Apple Fitness: Forgot the gym shoes at home, which I realized while I was in the locker room, naked, having just done my stretching and sweating in the steam room so that I could go work out. Had the gym shorts halfway up my leg, realized this and was like, "Fuck!" A waste of time.

I miss my boyfriend, he is STILL in Elkhart with his family and will be there until the 21st! Grumble... grumble. Chad, come home! I want my best friend back! New really bad "Mars movies" to watch honey! Where's my reliable date to the movies? Where's my cuddle partner. COME HOME.

The one and only positive note, okay actually there were two, of the day was helping my sister make a bidness card that looked presentable and that she was happy with (props to Lori!) And then finally getting a massage in Massage IV tonight. We focused on the neck and face. So good, especially considering that this is where I store ALL my stress: my face, neck, and shoulders (face especially.) It made me feel like I could really be a massage therapist.

I have noticed something about my self... It's always harder on the outside looking in than it is actually being inside. What I mean is: The thought of actually doing "things" (great use of adjectives there Paulo) is soo much worse than the actual doing. I procrastinate and procrastinate because the idea of doing it (be it a homework assignment, art project, woking out, shit, even balancing my check book, or even posting to this blog) is sooo much worse than just doing it. But this is how I operate, it's been this way since I was i grade school... even Kindergarten! I had such mixed/gloomy-doomy feelings about going back to school but then once i was actually in the process of doing, it wasn't hard/bad/yucky/boring like I thought it would be.. it was actually fun. I think I have performace anxiety.

UCMT is back in full effect muthafu*a!
It's hands on fun! for the whole damn family!
posted by Paul at 10:32:00 PM

Sunday, January 6

So, Lori, her boyfriend John, and I went to Hollywood Video tonight with the "simple task" of picking out a movie that the three of us have not seen and that the three of us WANT to see... easy enough right? um... no. Let's start out by saying that the way Hollywood Video arranges there DVD's is just plain dumb. Alphabetically? Hello? The Bad News Bears right next to Boys in the Hood? Doesnt make much sense to me. Also, we all ended up with videostore neck, you know... holding your head sideways so that you can see the titles of the movies? In addition, we all happen to be movie buffs, so between the three of us we've seen almost all the movies that came out in the past 5 years. a half hour of, "seen it, seen it, you've seen it, hated it, don't want to see it." Out of desperation, we ended up renting, Pay it Forward. (Kevin Spacely, Helen Hunt, and Haley Joel Osmet)
Ah yes, Pay It Forward... "Do three good deeds to people who really need it and expect nothing in return except that they return the favor by bestowing three good deeds on three other people." A nice, sweet idea, but throw in the over the top acting, silly plot, and the most emotionally manipulative filmaking I've ever seen, and you've got a recipe for rolling your eyes right out of your head. Every scene had a "message." Every scene was a scene of "great importance" and "high drama." I think the screenwriters thought that if they threw in enough crying jigs, people would walk out of the theater sniffing, "that was such a good movie, I'm gonna go call my parents..." I don't think so.
Alcoholism, drug addiction, a guy with burns, child abuse, unrequited love, requited love (finally,) love scorned, requited love (again) spousal abuse, world utopias, gangs, unabashed altruism, cute little eleven year olds, homeless people, candlelight vigils!... this movie had every possible tear jerker equation factored in except that no one stoically and graciously dies of cancer. Sappy to the end, it was like watching a Hallmark commercial if Hallmark had a section for societal ill's... (when you care to send the very best...to your drunk grandmother in an abusive relationship) I wasn't weeping so much as leaking, really.

Anyway, to sum it up... good idea, BAD delivery. Helen Hunt... stop playing these roles where you are the single mom who tries her best and meets a nice (older) man. ex: As Good As It Gets, Pay it Forward. Haley Joel Osmet... hopefully you will suffer the same fate as Macaully Calukin dried up and out of our site by 14...

night folks.
posted by Paul at 10:56:00 PM


I have been corrected: Lauren is in charge of the haiku site, along with many others. If you would like to see them, you can check them out at lauren's site.
posted by Paul at 9:37:00 PM

Saturday, January 5

This is a haiku I submitted to a site my friend Lauren is either operating or knows about, I am not sure which. It's my New Year's resolution haiku. I wish I could stake claim to the phrase "itty-bitty shitty committee" but alas, I cannot. A guy I know, Alex, (shit, goddam) who works at Golden Braid bookstore told me about it when we were talking about New years resolutions and such... anyway, here goes.

My New Year’s Resolution

It’s itty-bitty
The shitty committee is
And it’s in my head

No longer will I
Listen to it’s ranting voice
It’s pathetic snarl

“You’re fat, you homo,
You’re no good at living life,
Dig what I say, freak?”

Living in the dark.
They’re jealous of me, you see
I’ll live in the light.

A demon, a rat,
A sensor, a curmudgeon;
Feeding on self doubt

My resolution:
To no longer give them food,
Soon they’ll wither and die


posted by Paul at 10:01:00 PM


Bwah hah hah. A fit of hedonistic urges and delusional self aggrandizement has brought me back to you o, blogger of blogs. It's been over a month since I payed homage to you, my online journal of mental floss. But that is how it goes, this is how I operate. Start with gusto, lose interest in a week's time. Or in this case, a day's time. It applies to nearly everything in my life! Hobbies, health, school, certain ex-boyfriends, jobs, etc. I have been a starter and not a finisher. What is it? Lazyness? Boredom? It has been this way forever, I am slowly trying to rectify this. So here's to you, my dear blog, may you bloom and grow, my little edelweiss.
posted by Paul at 9:56:00 PM